If You Get Away...

In Brooklyn, a man stole two bottles of liquor at knifepoint and fled to a nearby apartment. Police followed the thief, and arrested the man who opened the door of the apartment.

Sadly, this was not the robber.

Less sadly, the real robber leaned out the window as the police hauled his neighbor away and screamed, "You've got the wrong guy, morons! It was me!"

Now they've got the right guy.

Explain This

A New York man, by his own admission too drunk to even remember the incident, fell on subway tracks and lost his leg to a train. He sued the subway, and won over $2 million.

What were you thinking, jury?

The man claimed the train had time to stop. And maybe that's true. But if your stupid ass gets so drunk that you don't even remember getting your leg torn off by a train, it's your fault. End of story.

You May Have a Drinking Problem

This Texas man was an alcoholic. Unfortunately, a painful throat condition prevented him from drinking. So what was he to do? Well, take alcohol enemas, of course!

According to the man's wife, he did this on a regular basis. The problem is that, when you drink, you pass out when you've had too much so that you don't drink more and die. When you inject rectally, you pass out when your body has absorbed too much alcohol...but the alcohol you've injected in the time it took you to absorb that much is still in your cavity, being absorbed.

The autopsy revealed that the man had a BAC of .54. The embalming was practically done already.

How Not to Use Industrial Equipment

Two factory workers in Russia were screwing around with the pneumatic hose designed to power things like drills, nail guns, etc. They dusted each other's clothes, and eventually one of them dropped his pants and saw what the air hose would feel like on his genitals. He enjoyed it so much that he thought it would be funny to get some epic body gas by pumping his colon full of air. He set the pressure for six atmospheres.

Anyone know how this ends?

Six atmospheres of pressure was sufficient to rupture the man's entire large intestine. If it had happened in an operating theater, it would have been impossible to save him. Another Darwin Award winner.

The Most Epic Fail Ever

In 1993, a man made a string of astonishingly stupid decisions. Generally, it's not funny when people die, but in this case...

Mistake #1: He decided to supplement his income by robbing a store.

Mistake #2: The store he decided to rob was H&J Leather and Firearms. You don't rob a gun store. Gun store employees are all armed to the teeth.

Mistake #3: He robbed the store while it was open, filled not only with armed employees but armed customers.

Mistake #4: He walked past two marked patrol cars in the parking lot.

Mistake #5: He walked past the two cops, one employee, and several customers, all of who were clearly carrying handguns.

Mistake #6: He went up to the register, pulled out a gun and demanded all the money.

And that was the last mistake of his life, because he was shot by both officers, the other clerk, and three customers. For his trouble, the man received a Darwin Award. Isn't that nice?

How Stupid Can You Get?

So yesterday, this moron robbed a pharmacy. He didn't want money, but medication. The pharmacist attempted to stall by asking for the man's name and DOB, so he could "look up the prescription" (read "give the cops time to show up"). The cops didn't show up before the man took the drugs and ran. However, he did leave a pretty important clue: His ACTUAL NAME and DOB! Good God, what is wrong with you?