Good God

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Hiding Place Fail

So these guys were going on a robbery spree in Ohio when the police finally caught up to them. One of these masterminds hid in a dryer.

Then his cell phone rang. Loudly.

Why Abbreviations Can Be Bad

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Emergency? Really?

This jackass in Florida went into a Mickey Ds and ordered a 10-piece McNugget combo. Problem: this restaurant had run out of McNuggets. Since store policy does not allow refunds, they offered to replace her meal with something else.

She called 911. Three times.

Actual quote from one of the 911 calls: "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one."

Epic fail.

?

In a small town in Oregon, three 1990s green Ford Escorts have been set on fire in the last two weeks. Apparently a serial arsonists is targeting green 90s Escorts.

A police spokesman was quoted as saying "I think this person really doesn't like Ford Escorts." Well, that narrows the suspect pool a lot. Can you name someone who does?

WTF

This is, without a doubt, the stupidest product idea ever: a potty training aid called Poopy Time Fun Shapes.

You know how pastry decorators work? You put on a shaped tip and create a whimsically shaped frosting decoration or small pastry? Well, this is pretty much the same thing--but with feces.

Seriously. Here it is: http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/fail-owned-poop-shape-fail.jpg?w=455&h=500.

Good God, what is wrong with you people?

This is Useful Knowledge

A three-year study by an Austrian scientist finally revealed the greatest mystery of our time: belly button lint is actually caused by the collection of fibers from cotton shirts by hair around the navel. Glad we know that.

Oh yeah, and he published a journal article about it that's selling for $31.50. I'd like to suggest that anyone who pays for the full text should not be allowed to breed.

You've Been Topped, Michael Phelps

This bong scandal makes Michael Phelps look like an amateur.

A Nebraska man faces animal cruelty charges. Here's why: his cat was very temperamental. And he didn't want to deal with this annoying cat. So what to do, what to do. Stuff it in a bong?

Yes, that's what this moron did. He wanted the cat to chill out, so he stuck it in a bong.

If You Get Away...

In Brooklyn, a man stole two bottles of liquor at knifepoint and fled to a nearby apartment. Police followed the thief, and arrested the man who opened the door of the apartment.

Sadly, this was not the robber.

Less sadly, the real robber leaned out the window as the police hauled his neighbor away and screamed, "You've got the wrong guy, morons! It was me!"

Now they've got the right guy.

Explain This

A New York man, by his own admission too drunk to even remember the incident, fell on subway tracks and lost his leg to a train. He sued the subway, and won over $2 million.

What were you thinking, jury?

The man claimed the train had time to stop. And maybe that's true. But if your stupid ass gets so drunk that you don't even remember getting your leg torn off by a train, it's your fault. End of story.

You May Have a Drinking Problem

This Texas man was an alcoholic. Unfortunately, a painful throat condition prevented him from drinking. So what was he to do? Well, take alcohol enemas, of course!

According to the man's wife, he did this on a regular basis. The problem is that, when you drink, you pass out when you've had too much so that you don't drink more and die. When you inject rectally, you pass out when your body has absorbed too much alcohol...but the alcohol you've injected in the time it took you to absorb that much is still in your cavity, being absorbed.

The autopsy revealed that the man had a BAC of .54. The embalming was practically done already.

How Not to Use Industrial Equipment

Two factory workers in Russia were screwing around with the pneumatic hose designed to power things like drills, nail guns, etc. They dusted each other's clothes, and eventually one of them dropped his pants and saw what the air hose would feel like on his genitals. He enjoyed it so much that he thought it would be funny to get some epic body gas by pumping his colon full of air. He set the pressure for six atmospheres.

Anyone know how this ends?

Six atmospheres of pressure was sufficient to rupture the man's entire large intestine. If it had happened in an operating theater, it would have been impossible to save him. Another Darwin Award winner.

The Most Epic Fail Ever

In 1993, a man made a string of astonishingly stupid decisions. Generally, it's not funny when people die, but in this case...

Mistake #1: He decided to supplement his income by robbing a store.

Mistake #2: The store he decided to rob was H&J Leather and Firearms. You don't rob a gun store. Gun store employees are all armed to the teeth.

Mistake #3: He robbed the store while it was open, filled not only with armed employees but armed customers.

Mistake #4: He walked past two marked patrol cars in the parking lot.

Mistake #5: He walked past the two cops, one employee, and several customers, all of who were clearly carrying handguns.

Mistake #6: He went up to the register, pulled out a gun and demanded all the money.

And that was the last mistake of his life, because he was shot by both officers, the other clerk, and three customers. For his trouble, the man received a Darwin Award. Isn't that nice?

How Stupid Can You Get?

So yesterday, this moron robbed a pharmacy. He didn't want money, but medication. The pharmacist attempted to stall by asking for the man's name and DOB, so he could "look up the prescription" (read "give the cops time to show up"). The cops didn't show up before the man took the drugs and ran. However, he did leave a pretty important clue: His ACTUAL NAME and DOB! Good God, what is wrong with you?